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Health & Fitness

Managing Difficult Relationships During The Holidays.

The holidays are fast approaching. For many of us, this means interacting with family members that are difficult to be around. So this week on my blogtalk radio show, Relationships Matter, I spoke with Dr. Ruth Nemzoff, author of Don’t Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with Your Adult Children (Palgrave/Macmillan, 2008) and Don’t Roll Your Eyes: Making In-Laws Into Family (Palgrave/Macmillan, 2012). She has some tips to help us diffuse the holiday tension, and maybe even build some new, meaningful relationships.

My first question was: What is the biggest mistake people make when it comes to holiday time with family? Dr. Nemzoff explained that family members tend to “freeze” one another. One way we do that is by placing expectations on our family members based on how they were last time we saw them. But a lot happens in a year. A family member who was content last year may be feeling down this year, and we need to respect that change. Another way we tend to “freeze” our family members is by placing them in the roles they used to play way back when. And while this can be very comforting—we all like to be loved in familiar ways—it can also be toxic and stifling.

Then of course there are the new romantic partners, the “quasi-family” members. They contribute to a new family composition, and accepting that composition is equivalent to honoring the growth of your family members. This is why Dr. Nemzoff warns people not to roll their eyes: it signifies that you are discounting someone. Try being curious about newcomers and forgiving of your differences. Not only will this provide you with a more peaceful holiday, but it is also an opportunity to learn about yourself. If someone rubs you the wrong way, notice it. Why does that trigger you?

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Dr. Nemzoff gave some great tips about how to connect in situations like this. First off, find some common ground. If you want to ban all guns and your in-law owns a gun shop, open the conversation by asking if he supports any restrictions on guns. If he’s a hunter, he probably does. The bottom line, says Dr. Nemzoff, is that people are not stupid. There’s a reason that they think what they think. If you are open to learning from them, you are likely to have a pleasant interaction. The issue is when people value being right over making a connection. Standing on moral ground never works, and there’s rarely a “right” or a “wrong” answer anyway!

But what about extremely hurtful divisions? Say, for example, your in-laws are unhappy about your marriage. According to Dr. Nemzoff, politeness is key. Remember that this is not against you personally, but against what your in-laws have been taught their whole lives. This situation is extremely hurtful for you, but remember that they are hurting too. Don’t change yourself, but be open, and be patient. Families do change, but it takes a lot of time and a lot of shared experience. In the meantime, be the best version of you that you can be.

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And what about the kids? Say your in-laws or your siblings raise kids very differently than you do. Dr. Nemzoff encourages us to remember that this a learning opportunity. It’s healthy for kids to experience different ways of doing things, and your being open teaches them to have open minds as well. Once they reach kindergarten, they understand that rules depend on place: they act differently at school than at home. Explain to them that Grandma’s house has different rules. At the same time, make sure that those rules are feasible. If your in-laws refuse to move their crystal china and instead demand that your two-year-old not touch it, well then, you may not want to spend time there for a few years.

The bottom line is that it takes two to tango, so you have some real power. Be in the moment, control your emotions, and don’t give up hope! Little acts of kindness can go a long way. That is, after all, what this season is all about.


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