Expert: Parents Need to Help End Bullying

Bullying often takes place in the schools, but one expert says it’s vital that parents help eradicate name calling, vicious gossip and violence by taking action at home.

“Our mission as caring adult should be to help children navigate the often very treacherous waters of childhood and to help them get to other side, to adulthood, as unscathed as possible,” said S. David Bernstein.

On Tuesday night, Bernstein, an expert in risk management, spoke to a crowd of parents at the Conservative Synagogue. At the end of his presentation, he played the that originated in Westport

First, he talked about Ryan Halligan, a Vermont teen who committed “bullycide” after suffering nonstop harassment.

“It’s pretty bad when there’s an actual word now for bullying a kid into suicide,” said Bernstein. “It says something about our society.”

Bernstein is the president of Forensic Consultants, a company focused on risk management and threat assessment. If an employer is worried that a worker might be dangerous, people like Bernstein are called. He’s worked in schools with bullying problems, consulted with the FBI and trained with the United States Secret Service.

He said that schools can sometimes be dismissive of claims of bullying, leading to hopelessness for the victim.

Jennifer Pogue, the mother of two Bedford Middle School students, said that while the schools play a role in preventing bullying, it’s ultimately up to the parents.

“We as parents need to stick up for our children, teach other children to be empathetic…and to address the parents [of bullies],” Pogue said. “It’s very easy to blame the schools, but by the time it gets to that, it’s really too late. It’s out of our control. Everyone has to work together.”

The talk was originally scheduled for February, but the snow pushed it back. According to Jamie Klein-Zoref, director of the synagogue’s preschool, the timing was fortuitous with the recent release of anti-bullying video made by Alye Pollack, a 13-year-old Bedford Middle School student.

“We know [the subject of bullying] is very relevant and as a community, we like to offer education,” said Klein-Zoref.

Bernstein told parents that it’s a myth that bullying toughen kids up, although he’s interviewed people who believe that.

"I’ve actually heard parents say that when it was brought to their attention their child was a bully that ‘they should be thanking my kid because it’s stress inoculation’,” Bernstein said.

He said the typical charecteristics of a bully are:

• They requently have above average social skills that they use to manipulate with.
• They usually need an audience or it’s “no fun.”
• Typically know what they’re doing is wrong.
• They have limited empathy.
• Might see victimization as a game.
• Often need to be in control.
• Can become lifelong bullies if there’s no intervention.

He also said that even prestigious private schools are not immune from bullying.