Lice Happens

It's going around the schools again and being passed along from one unsuspecting kid to another. Then they bring it home where they share it with the rest of the family. In a word, it's misery.

No, I'm not talking about the swine flu or strep. This might even be worse:

Head lice.

It all starts with that dreaded letter that comes home in the backpack saying the school has a confirmed case of pediculosis in your child's classroom. The lice letters went out this week. I know there's no logical basis for this, but as soon as I get that letter, my head becomes incredibly itchy. (And my family has yet to personally encounter the little buggers.)

Of all the things our kids bring home: green runny noses, pill bug collections, the stomach flu, this seems to be the thing that puts people over the edge. Moms who are otherwise unflappable go a little bit crazy when the infestation hits home. "I can deal with anything except head lice," one mother said to me with a shudder. She has a point. It is rather gross.

Maybe one reason why emotions run hot over lice is that people still associate them with being unclean. But it has nothing to do with hygiene. The lice jump from head to head. Kids who are in close contact with each other at school all day are prime targets. In fact, some experts even think that the lice thrive on clean hair, not grungy heads.

A lice problem translates into a heck of a lot of work. The battle begins with the awful, irritating shampoos which are highly toxic and not so great for children. Then comes the painful and painstaking combing, section by section, piece by piece. Then, some people flat iron or blow dry to target any remaining bugs with a shot of heat. On top of all that fun, the kids have to stay home until their heads are examined by the school nurse and declared pest-free.

It's about more than just the hair, of course. Lice present a laundry horror of gigantic proportions. Everything needs to be vacuumed and washed: linens, pillows, blankets, towels, clothes, hats, stuffed animals – you name it. And that's not just for the child who's infected, but for the whole family. Some people also delouse all their upholstered furniture, as well. One mom ran her washing machine continuously for four days in addition to sending a carload of pillows to the dry cleaners. Then she bagged up still more potential host items into plastic bags which she stashed in the garage. Apparently, the combo of sealed plastic and extreme cold does away with the lice. By the end of the month, her house might just be getting back to normal. It might take her just as long to recover from the trauma of it all.

But even then, it's not necessarily over. If a few tiny nits manage to survive the full-blown assault, they repay you by repopulating themselves a week or so later. The shampooing and combing and washing and vacuuming begins anew.

A lice problem is such an epic headache that, naturally, people have found a way to make money off it. It turns out there are lice removal professionals out there for hire. It's a whole lice consulting industry. People like LiceEnders and Head Lice Hero will swarm through your home, seeking out the pests and ridding your family and house of them – for a tidy price. Right about now, business must be booming.

I have nothing but sympathy for the families who've been invaded by tiny white eggs and their wretched offspring.  Best wishes and good luck. And if it's all the same, I think we'll pass on the play-dates until this latest epidemic subsides.

Michelle Bowers is a Sunday columnist for Westport Patch. You can also read more about her on her blog www.momonthefrontlines.blogspot.com.