Nerf Nuisance

Is it just my neighborhood or are Nerf guns suddenly everywhere? Excuse me, I meant Nerf Blasters. Those of you without 8 or 10-year-old boys might not know what these are. They're essentially enormous toy guns that shoot foam darts.

And, apparently, they're the most fun ever.

I'm anti-gun pretty much all the way around. I abhor actual weapons of all sorts and would never keep a gun in my house. When I found out my father-in-law stored a rifle at home and that my kids found it while playing there, I had a small cardiac event. When it comes to toys, I was hoping and praying we'd bypass the gun phase altogether. Unfortunately, my son, QB, had other plans.

Until about a year ago, I had successfully kept the weapons out of the playroom – with the exception of a Star Wars light saber here and there.  Then someone gave QB a Nerf dart tag set for his birthday. This thing really offended me. Not only were there two "blasters", but the toy came with a pair of vests with targets over the heart — all the better for the kids to take aim at each other. In a nutshell, it's a killing game.

Tell me how that has any value whatsoever for a second-grader?

I slipped the vests into the garbage soon after without my son noticing. Then suddenly, last fall, the blasters were all the rage again. For Christmas, the item he gave top billing on his wishlist was the Nerf Longshot. This thing is ridiculous. With a "targeting scope," it  looks and acts like a sniper rifle and is literally 3 feet long. The Longshot can break into two separate guns, one of which can shoot up to 35 feet. Since I'm a little biased, I left this no-win purchasing decision up to my husband. Sure enough, Santa delivered the Longshot to our house on Christmas morning.

Now I can't get away from this thing. It's in the kitchen. It's in the playroom. QB fashioned a strap for it and wears it whenever he's home, slung to his torso, along with his protective Nerf eyewear. (My husband has taken to calling him G.I.Q.)  The Nerf doesn't even go away at night. He props the Longshot by his bed and puts his extra blasters and ammo underneath the pillow. Is this just in case someone stages a surprise attack on the house in the middle of the night? I don't know. If only he were this loyal to his sister, I'd be a very happy mom.

And it's not just QB. He went to a friend's birthday party last week where all the kids brought their blasters and they proceeded to wage war. After school most days, I see packs of middle school boys sneaking around our street and hiding in bushes, planning some sort of reconnaissance mission. They're armed with Blasters that look like pistols, hunting rifles, and AK47s.

Of course, this is nothing new. Boys have been playing cops and robbers or cowboys and Indians forever. And women still don't get it. Is there some biological imperative that drives boys to prepare themselves for some theoretical future battle? Is there a Darwinian effect in play: those who can win a sword fight/light saber duel/Nerf Blaster battle are more likely to survive? I don't think anyone has successfully answered that baffling question yet.

For whatever reason, these boys seem to need to get it out of their systems. And I hope they do just that — leaving the real pistols and rifles and ammo alone. At least these Nerf Blasters are a childish yellow and the bullets are a harmless foam.

And, hey, since they come with protective goggles, at least I can hope no one's going to lose an eye over it.

Michelle Bowers is a Sunday columnist for Westport Patch. You can also read more about her on her blog www.momonthefrontlines.blogspot.com.